In other Stark news, new Warden of the North Ramsay Bolton (Iwan Rheon) takes a meeting with a real sass-mouth, Lord Smalljon Umber (Dean S. Jagger). While Ramsay wants him to kneel and kiss the ring, the frank young guy tells him just what he thinks of Ramsay’s dad, his dad, and the sexual proclivities about Ramsay’s new Lt. Karstark (Paul Rattray). He doesn’t care because there are worse things than Ramsay Snow on the horizon: Jon Snow and his army of Wildlings. A real no-bullshit attitude on that guy, and it’s refreshing, to be honest. He unveils his trump card —Osha (Natalia Tena) and Rickon Stark (Art Parkinson) — who have been wandering about in Northern parts for a whole season. To prove it’s Rickon, he’s got the head of Shaggy Dog on a spike. Every book reader in the world would like to have a strong word with Benioff and Weiss and Mr. Smalljon about that.
But who even knows if Jon’s going to have an army of Wildlings at his behest. After the hostile takeover at the Night’s Watch, he’s ready to give his notice, but not before he takes care of some serious business, “cleaning up the shit,” as Davos (Liam Cunningham) beseeches him. He strings up four of the worst traitors to hang for the crime of his murder, including Alliser Thorne (Owen Teale) and Olly (Brenock O’Connor). Any last words, fellas? Thorne, naturally, spouts off one last lengthy and sanctimonious speech about the Night’s Watch, while Olly just offers Jon a look that could kill him, again.
After cutting the rope, Jon basically says, “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, and fuck you, I’m out,” leaving the cloak with buddy Ed (Ben Crompton) and peacing out. “My watch has ended,” he growls. And not a moment too soon!
In the non-Stark sections of the episode:
- Varys (Conleth Hill) gets some intel from the cuddly murderess who slashed the throat of that Unsullied last year: the Sons of the Harpy rebellion is being funded by the slave-owning masters of Astapor, Yunkai and Volantis. So now Varys and Tyrion (Peter Dinklage), who’s spending all his Meereen-leading time drinking and workshopping bad drinking game material, are going to have to speak to them in the language they know: violence. Thankfully, they have Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson) for that, even if he’s lacking in the convivial conversation department.
- The Lannister Twins, Cersei (Lena Headey) and Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), have morphed into one hell of an indignant and hateful two-headed monster. No longer content to sit back, they are planning to force a trial by combat for the High Sparrow to pit him against the FrankenMountain (another example of death basically being a joke on this show for certain characters). They crash a Small Council meeting, to demand retribution for Myrcella’s death. Hasn’t Cersei been crashing Small Council meetings for years? This is basically all she does. Thankfully, they find Olenna Tyrell (Diana Rigg) there, who is back to get some justice for her grandkids, and make snide incest remarks.
- Tommen (Dean-Charles Chapman) throws one of his stompy tantrums at the High Sparrow (Jonathan Pryce), who neutralizes him with his folksy demeanor, gentle logic, and holiday appropriate speech about the “great gift” and otherworldly nature of a mother’s love. He plays innocent, saying that Cersei still has to stand trial and atone for her sins because “it’s what the gods want.” He claims that he just wants to help everyone bring out the good in each other and Tommen seems to buy it. Bro, have you even seen the show you are on?
Grab Bag:
Couldn’t Sam (John Bradley-West) have let Gilly (Hannah Murray) know they were going to his parents’ house before they got on the boat? She still stands by her very seasick man.
Did it strike anyone else as odd that Varys’ “little birds” spreading gossip and political intrigue are a bunch of tiny street urchins? They answer to Qyburn’s candied plums now.
Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) goes to her first Dothraki First Wives’ Club meeting and turns out she’ll have to stand a trial and initiation before joining the sorority of the Dosh Khaleen.
Where the F is Bronn???????????
Next week on:
Littlefinger! Sansa gets to Castle Black, and 5 bucks says she an Jon pass each other like ships in the night. Siblings Theon and Yara reunite, and squabble. Handsome boring detectives save Khaleesi from the First Wives’ Club. Olenna and Cersei join up to save Margaery from a Shame Walk.
Let us know your thoughts about the episode in the comments below!