The 2010s saw the return of a number of forgotten trends: tiny sunglasses, hating “Star Wars,” and – most importantly – the word “horny.” The once juvenile, decidedly-male word has shifted into something greater: more gender-woke, more surreal. “Horny” still refers, of course, to sex, desirous hunger, thirstiness, and this image (and this one too). But it has also evolved to feature many more implications and describes any number of feelings – excitement, transgression, titillation, and intrigue. The arts, then, are especially open to horny interpretation. Michael Bay is, tragically, horny – but so is Spike Jonze. The Golden Globes are decidedly hornier than the Oscars. The year’s biggest box office failures, from least to most horny: “Charlie’s Angels,” “The Goldfinch,” “Cats.” I cannot elaborate.
But today, I and my colleagues will try to unpack some of the decade’s most gloriously horny offerings, as decided by logic and reason (okay, Google doc brainstorm). Art house abounds, with obvious choices like “Shame” and “Call Me by Your Name” securing early spots, while studio picks prove trickier. So read on, dear reader, to find out which is the horniest Marvel movie, reminisce about the early 2010s, when everyone was hornier for Michael Fassbender (simpler times!) and reenter the perpetually concupiscent brain of Yorgos Lanthimos. And please don’t send us to jail for this. –Lena Wilson
More best of year and decade content is here too, the 100 Most Anticipated Films Of 2020, The 100 Best Films Of The Decade, the 25 Best Films Of 2019, the Best Performances Of The Decade, Best Cinematography of the Decade, Best Soundtracks of the Decade, Best TV of the Decade, Best Documentaries Of The Decade, Best Animated Films Of The Decade, Best TV of 2019, Best Posters, and Trailers of 2019 and more to come.
“Before Midnight” (2013)
Master of the juxtaposition of time and cinema Richard Linklater introduced us to Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (Julie Delpy) 18 years prior to “Before Midnight” in “Before Sunrise,” a meditation on love at first sight, the simultaneous naïveté and fortuity of youthful romance, cross-cultural traditions and values, and the romantic implications of a one-night-stand. Linklater, Hawke, and Delpy revisited Jesse and Celine again, nine years later, with “Before Sunset.” After another nine years, the now-iconic trio returned to their characters (Hawke and Delpy fully writing their own characters’ arcs, now, with Linklater focusing more on directing) with a sense of understanding, purpose, and realism we haven’t seen before. The fundamental question explored in “Before Midnight” is, “Can Jesse and Celine rekindle the spark that ignited their nearly two-decade-long relationship?” They’re in a domestic partnership with children, balancing their careers, egos, family, and sex lives. The passion is still there, but these aforementioned add-ons inhibit Jesse and Celine from finding that magical feeling present in the previous ‘Before’ films. But a young couple with palpable sexual chemistry, Hank (Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick) and Anna (Ariana Labede), remind Jesse and Celine of their younger, purer selves while on an exotic vacation. (Though make no mistake, Hawke and Delpy are as beautiful and radiant as ever in their roles.) After much-heated arguing, underscoring a miasma of sexual tension, we learn there is hope for our leads yet. In typical poetic fashion, the “Before” trio echoes the ethereal horniness of Jesse and Celine’s past. –Alex Arabian
“Call Me By Your Name” (2017)
“Call Me by Your Name” leaves no stone un-fucked – stone fruits included. The film, based on the novel of the same name by Andre Aciman, is an incredibly sensual depiction of gay love. As Elio (Timothee Chalamet) falls for Oliver (Armie Hammer) over the course of one summer, their chemistry proves to burn as bright as the Italian sun. Thanks to both director Luca Guadagnino and cinematographer Sayombhu Mukdeeprom, the film feels like a moving snapshot. As one song played in the movie suggests, “Words don’t come easy,” but Elio and Oliver don’t need to verbally convey their feelings. Their affections for one another are captured through glances and touches. Even a shoulder rub signals an immense awakening for Elio, catapulting him on his euphoric journey. “Call Me by Your Name” is about the power of cherished memories, so it’s fitting that the film itself feels like a picturesque remembrance. And, yes, those smoldering glances eventually lead to even hotter, more affective love scenes. And, yes, Elio eventually ejaculates into a peach. –Matthew St.Clair
I deliver this news with all the relish of an oncologist delivering positive test results: “Cats” is the horniest movie of 2019. Scientists are still desperately trying to understand why, but for some reason, Tom Hooper and Universal thought it would be a good idea to strip their stars down to their bare essentials and cover them in CGI cat-fur, generating horrific cat-human hybrids that retain their butts and breasts. If you thought this movie would try to downplay those jarring human assets, THINK AGAIN! There is so much cat-human ass action in this movie that one might forget the plot entirely if it had any plot to begin with. Add that to a series of horny musical numbers, including one that kicks off with a slew of female cats drinking fountains of milk straight from the tap, and the result is a nightmarish fetish manifesto that will leave you unable to look Idris Elba in the eye ever again. –Lena Wilson
“Disobedience,” the film that offficially canonized Rachel Weisz as a lesbian icon, is a steamy drama that has women everywhere thirsting for the actress’ spit down their throats. Based on the 2006 Naomi Alderman novel of the same name, the film follows Ronit’s (Weisz) return to the tight Jewish Orthodox community from which she was exiled years ago. Initially distant and uncomfortable with Ronit’s sudden reappearance, Esti (Rachel McAdams) wastes little time in rekindling the romance the two enjoyed in their youth. Longing for the passion and intimacy that her marriage lacks, Esti lunges at Ronit almost immediately once they are alone, and after one private make-out session, they are kissing in dark but increasingly public places. After all these stolen kisses and some brooding, yearning looks, the two sneak off to a hotel. Finally able to shed her austere exterior – literally and figuratively – Esti unleashes the passion that she’s been unable to express or experience for so long. The women claw at each other with fervor, kissing intimately and wildly, and (lest we forget) Ronit twice lets spit trickle from her mouth into Esti’s. The scene is immensely erotic, but it’s not just about the sex – in this scene, Esti and Ronit free each other from years of suppressed desire. –Halli Goldman
“The Favourite” (2018)
Directed by Yorgos Lanthimos, “The Favourite” is a story that follows 18th-century English monarch Queen Anne (Olivia Colman) and her two romantic rivals, Abigail Masham (every millennial’s celebrity crush, Emma Stone) and Lady Sarah (a fierce Rachel Weisz). But this isn’t your stereotypical period drama: The film is pumped full of sexual tension for its entire run time. And no one in Queen Anne’s court is hooking up just because they are horny – they always have an ulterior motive. Someone is always trying to finesse and play a game with the object of their horniness. With sex scenes that vacillate wildly between sensual, passionate, kinky, salacious, and lifeless, “The Favourite” has audiences leaving the theatre needing a cold shower. Or another look at Rachel Weisz in that incredible riding suit. –Jamie Rogers