“Spider-Man 3” (2007)
Franchise: Spider-Man
How Threequel-y Was It: Where to begin with Sam Raimi‘s “Spider-Man 3? And what to say that hasn’t already been said by hordes of disappointed geeks? “Spider-Man 2” ably balanced character-driven drama with effects-driven action (see the subway showdown between Tobey Maguire‘s Spidey and Alfred Molina‘s Doc Ock for the perfect melding of the two in a single scene), but “Spider-Man 3” tried to cram way too much into its two-plus hours. Instead of one stellar villain as its predecessors had, “3” takes its title too literally and offers a trio of sub-par baddies in the form of Sandman (Thomas Haden Church), Venom (Topher Grace) and Harry Osborn (James Franco). Adding to all that weight, the dialogue isn’t nearly as much fun as it was in the two previous outings, causing each joke to land with a thud. As if all of that weren’t bad enough, it also features Emo Spidey, Kirsten Dunst singing *and* Bruce Campbell‘s worst cameo in the series, as a French maitre d’. “Spider-Man 3” certainly left things open for “Spider-Man 4,” etc., but creative issues and multiple script rewrites of the fourth installment ensured that they wouldn’t make Sony‘s release date. Raimi and the cast pulled out, making room for Marc Webb‘s reboot “The Amazing Spider-Man” in 2012. That one is gearing up for its second outing now, so only time will tell if it can get to, or perhaps beyond, Raimi’s tally of three.
Where does it rate in its franchise (to that date): 3/3 Worst.
“Superman III” (1983)
Franchise: Superman
How Threequel-y Was It: Richard Donner promoted “verisimilitude” in his directed portions of the “Superman” series. But Richard Lester, who directed portions of “Superman II,” including a few comic bits, was seen as the future of the franchise. What resulted was a clash of two brands, “Superman” and Richard Pryor, the comic legend who was utilized in a dubious fashion to provide needless merrymaking as a contrast to Christopher Reeve‘s earnestness in the title role, something that clearly the execs thought would not be enough of a draw on its own. While the first films have a timelessness to them, this picture’s threat of computers spelling our doom is definitely a product of eighties genre filmmaking, right down to the horrific and completely inexplicable robot lady threat of the third act. Even the villain leaves much to be desired: without Gene Hackman‘s grizzled Lex Luthor, the story pivots on the machinations of Ross Webster, an apparent last-minute addition in place of Brainiac (an idea nixed by the studio) that simply repeated the irritated-billionaire-villain routine that we’d seen in the last two films. The jokes don’t land, the action doesn’t work, and “Superman III” ends up being a typical threequel, over-stuffed with plot lines, like the subplot involving Clark returning back home to Smallville and reuniting with a childhood sweetheart, which is rendered an afterthought by Pryor’s dubious PG-rated shucking-and-jiving.
Where does it rate in its franchise (to that date)? 3/3 Worst. At least until “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace.”
“X-Men: The Last Stand” (2006)
Franchise: X-Men
How Threequel-y Was It: One of probably many films literally hate-fucked into existence, this franchise extension, teased at the end of “X2: X-Men United,” was the product of Fox utilizing an accelerated shooting schedule and an orgy of completed scripts in order to beat Bryan Singer‘s “Superman Returns” to the big screen. They didn’t have a director, script or cast when they started promoting the release date, a good two months before “Superman Returns,” which meant they eventually had to approach Brett Ratner, the Guy Fieri of directing, to bring back the merry mutants. What resulted was even more busy than the usual threequel, with Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) resurrected as the Phoenix, Magneto (Ian McKellen, pimpin’) joining up with underground mutant Morlocks, and a weaponized cure to turn our heroes into regular citizens. The first two films had a distinct sexuality, while this one features a cuckolded Rogue (Anna Paquin) trying to get her cheating man back by taking the cure, a de-powered Mystique (Rebecca Romijn) somehow going turncoat on best friend Magneto, and a Phoenix that is so hyper-sexual it turns off horndog Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) until she finally has to be put down by his claw. Along with kooky gender politics, there was also the needless deaths of several characters, the suggestion being that this installment would change everything, despite those deaths immediately being called into question before the end of the film. Just in case.
Where does it rate in the franchise (to that date)? 3/3 Worst, though slightly more competent than “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.”
“Ocean’s Thirteen” (2007)
Franchise: Ocean’s Eleven.
How Threequel-y Was It: While the first two films had style and wit to spare, they were open acknowledgements that director Steven Soderbergh took these as a paycheck in order to fuel his independent experiments, and by the third film, no one was in doubt that this was just for the money. But as far as threequels go, this one isn’t bad, still suffused with the bright colors and sexy movie-star glamor that made the first two cable favorites. And while almost literally every side character from the first two films is back, the picture never feels bloated or overly complex, defaulting to that boozy, laid-back vibe provided by George Clooney and Brad Pitt in the leads. But there’s certainly no tension here: the crew unite to take revenge for ailing buddy Elliot Gould after his casino is shut down by villain Al Pacino. But Pacino is decidedly dialed-down as the baddie, and driving him to financial ruin doesn’t have the same feeling as it did knocking off Andy Garcia‘s sniveling jerk in the first two films. Moreover, Gould casually mentions his casino being eliminated by Garcia in the first film; why repurpose one minor motivation for the first film, and turn it into the major, and only, driving force in the third? This merely cemented the feeling that the gang was simply in it for the cash this time around.
Where does it rate in the franchise: 3/3 Worst, though they’re all around the same level.
“Rocky III” (1982)
Franchise: Rocky
How Threequel-y Was It: This was the point where Sylvester Stallone was the biggest star in the galaxy, and the line separating star and character had almost vanished. Taking on directing duties for this installment, Stallone tells you everything you need to know in an opening montage that rivals Eisenstein. Glimpsed are sequences of Stallone-as-Rocky (and possibly Stallone-as-himself repurposed for “Rocky III“) filming advertisements and appearing on kids’ shows, Rocky enjoying the spoils of fame as he makes sweet love to wife Adrian (Talia Shire). Meanwhile, a new challenger is rising, and in snippets we glimpse supervillain Clubber Lang (a peerless Mr. T) laying waste to his opponents, loudly crowing about his desire to dismantle the Italian Stallion in the ring. The sheer force of Lang’s jabs seem to almost rattle the frame, dislodging the domestic bliss of Rocky and Adrian, as Survivor‘s “Eye Of The Tiger” wails on the soundtrack like you’re hearing it for the first time (which moviegoers were at the time). The montage closes in on Adrian’s drunk brother Paulie (Burt Young) as he stumbles into an arcade and hurls a flask at a real-life Rocky pinball machine, sending the glass crashing to the floor in slow motion over the credit “Directed by Sylvester Stallone.” Sublime.
Where does it rate in the franchise (to that date): Controversially ranked by Gabe 1/3 but probably 2/3 to everyone else.