Gather around, children, for a VERY spooky story…
Let this be a scaaaary lesson for all you boys and girls this Halloween season. Do not DARE to offend the dead by exploiting them for your own gaaaaaain! Sony forked over $60 million for the rights to Michael Jackson rehearsal footage, knowing this ghoulish video would be in demand online and on DVD, realizing they could instead charge top dollar for strutting out the decayed near-corpse of the King of Pop for a couple of weeks before ancillaries. International numbers aren’t in, though if the film’s domestic $20.7 million weekend and $32 million ($45 million internationally) five day are anything to go by, they will not meet these numbers, and Sony will die a finaaaaancial deeeaaaaaath! There won’t nearly be as much demand for the ghost of “Thriller” next weekend, meaning the American tally could top out at $60 domestic, which would mean an eaaaarly graaaave for Sony shareholders! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Paramount did another type of scary business, utilizing All Hallow’s Eve to platform “Paranormal Activity” over 2000 screens. It didn’t break out much further, but it did clear $80 million with $100 clearly in its sights. Eerily, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” made $832 million worldwide, but “Paranormal”‘s grosses and low costs (Witchy Rumor Conjurer Nikki Finke claims $15 million is the P&A on this film) suggest its Paramount’s most profitable film of the year. Where did the profits go, Michael Baaaaaaaay? Paramount wants to know! And they want to know NOW! BWAHAHAHA!
Beware the multiplex zombies, those who want to eat brains despite not having ones of their own! They came out in droves over this haunted holiday to take in two forgettable programmers, “Law Abiding Citizen” and “Couples Retreat,” both films having the legs of a freshly reanimated corpse! “Citizen” crossed $50 million this weekend and could even play for a few more weeks! “Couples,” meanwhile, is threatening $90 million, and if it hits $100 it could become one of the highest grossing sitcoms of the year, right behind “The Proposal,” “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” and “Angels and Demons”! Soon enough, lowered expectations will weather even the non-zombies, until the multiplex isn’t safe for those with still-edible cerebellums! HAR HAR HAR!
The fools at Lionsgate gleefully thought they could tempt fate by exploiting a gore-hungry marketplace, but instead the joke’s on them! The bean-counters for “Saw VI” are instead counting pink slips, as their precious franchise took a dirt bath in its second weekend! They thought they had a license to print money, but against “Paranormal Activity” it looks like they have a license to PERISH! The next one’s in 3D, but we’re impressed they can afford those extra dimensions! What sort of godly sacrifices could they be making at the LG offices? Knowing their penny pinching, perhaps they’re cutting off their noses to spite whatever they have left for a face in Hollywood! HEH HEH HEHHHHHHH.
Similar luck befell Warner Bros., who gambled and lost on “Wild Things” that weren’t wild enough! “Where The Wild Things Are” had it’s guts torn out and tied to the back of a truck after its first weekend, and now it’s remains are spilled all over the ground! “Wild Things” will be lucky to close out at $80 million, but budget numbers stretch from $80 to $120 million, which will be on top of a hefty P&A campaign turning these creatures into “mild things” at best! Watch as the rest of Hollywood’s chintzy kids’ films feast on the carcass of Spike Jonze’s precious pet project! HO HO HO HO HOOOOOOOO!
1. This Is DEATH!- $21.3 million ($32 million)
2. Paranormal Activity- $16.5 million ($83 mil.)
3. Law Abiding Satyr Of Doom!- $6.7 million ($51 mil.)
4. Couples Retreat From The Madness Of Clthulu!- $6 million ($86 mil.)
5. Saw VI- $5 million ($23 mil.)
6. Where The Wild Things Are Being Tortured On A Spit!- $4.8 million ($63 mil.)
7. Astroboy And The Skin Plague Of Death- $4 million ($12 mil.)
8. The Stepfather- $3.5 million ($25 mil.)
9. Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant- $3 million ($11 mil.)
10. Amelia And The Bermuda Triangle Of Dismemberment, Starring The Dogfaced Woman!- $2.7 million ($9 mil.)