Gwyneth-Watch: Paltrow Honey, It's Gonna Be Fine, No Really...

Moving out of our wheelhouse for a sec: You know when girls are gorgeous, but insecure and you want to shake them and go, “honey, puulllease.” This is what we want to do with the adorable Gwyneth Paltrow who we’ve always had a soft spot for. She’s always been a strong actor, articulated, smart, thoughtful and seemingly a head-on-her-shoulders type gal which we appreciate.

But have you seen her lately? She’s apparently going through a 30-something, “I’m a Mom, now” crisis and Defamer has been on Gwyneth-watch of late and done a bang-up job (and a funny one) of covering her every move – moves that seem to reveal less and less clothing and rather tarty choices in fashion (from outrageous hooker heels to skirts as long as a headband). Defamer basically kept asking on a daily basis, “What the hell is wrong with her?” Well, People explains how she thought being a mom might hurt her career.

“I really did not know if there would be a place for me. Jodie Foster was right, especially if you are a woman and especially if you are not 25. Hollywood is pretty cutthroat, and everybody has a short memory. There is always someone who is younger or hotter or prettier.I was very realistic of that fact there would not be room for me. I definitely knew I had lost my place.”

So what does she do? Take a long hiatus from making movies and then reappear in “Iron Man” much to every one’s glee (she was excellent as Pepper Potts). Or was it to star in the Cannes film, “Two Lovers” (with kook Joaquin Phoenix) and bare her breasts? (Critic Roger Friedman had apparently never seen “Shakespeare In Love,” because he practically went into cardiac arrest describing Paltrow’s breasts in the movie). Or is it to just dress 10 years younger to impress frothing-at-the-mouth casting directors? C’mon, Gwyneth. We expect more from you here.

Why the hell are we writing this? Cause sometimes we like to root for moms, ok? Plus, cause we can; in your face. That is all, nothing to see here, please disperse. Back to our regularly scheduled channel.