You may not know it, but a war is brewing, and on August 13th, the greatest cinematic dogfight the world has ever known hits. Which side are you on? The good news is, if you’re a heterosexual male, Lionsgate wants to recruit you. The cause? The long-awaited release of Sylvester Stallone’s magnum opus “The Expendables.” The enemy? Julia Roberts starring in Ryan “Glee” Murphy’s “Eat Pray Love.”
We’re going to guess the You Tube member The Monocular Group is not at all affiliated with Lionsgate, but we can feel his palpable anger at the limp-wristed sissies that keep Sylvester Stallone from his supposed box office dominance. The user’s profile shows he’s still angry about “Rambo” losing at the box office to the likes of “Hannah Montana” and “27 Dresses,” which we totally get because so many people explode in “Rambo” and there are approximately zero beheadings in the respective Miley Cyrus and Katherine Heigl releases.
Editing some of the more exciting footage from “The Expendables” to Andrew W.K.’s “I Get Wet” actually gives the whole enterprise a perverse twist. Then again, if you’re into what “The Expendables” has to offer, do you need to be sold any further? This isn’t “Rambo,” which only had Stallone’s biceps to appeal to audiences who ended up selecting “Meet the Spartans” as their top film choice in that film’s debut weekend. This is an entire generation of older action stars finally coming together, and is that not what everyone’s been waiting for? Plus, Stallone the auteur has got to be our choice when matched up against “Eat Pray Love”‘s Murphy, who previously helmed the unwatchable “Running With Scissors.” We’ll take “Rhinestone” over that one any day.
Oh, also “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World” comes out that day, but Michael Cera is a nancyboy.