Well, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” (sequels with numbers in the title is so passé) does not leaving you wanting. There’s just so much stuff in this movie – robots, chases, subplots, and nonessential secondary characters (not to mention about 45 minutes that could have easily been trimmed), that you can’t help but feel satisfied by the time the credits roll. Actually, maybe satisfied isn’t the right world – exhausted is probably better.
Trying to talk about the plot of this movie seems a fool’s errand. After all, this was a movie whose story was put together in the two or three weeks that led to the writer’s strike. During the strike, Bay took that outline and staged the movie’s big action beats, going absolutely insane. At some point the movie’s own warped internal logic even falls apart and it reaches a kind of glittery action movie abstraction. At this point, the movie becomes pretty engaging, but that could also be because we’ve become so numb to the large scale destruction we’ve been watching for the past two hours.
Anyway, here’s an attempt at running down the plot: It’s been two years since the Autobots and Decepticons, giant, shape shifting droids (they’re robots in disguise, after all) rumbled on earth for control of the All-Spark cube. Since then, badass robot-cum-bigrig truck Optimus Prime has been leading a human/robot taskforce called NEST, finding errant Decepticons and, slowly and methodically eradicating their existence on Earth. It’s government sanctioned genocide and we’re curious that no one has really pointed out how it’s not at all heroic, no matter how evil the badguys are supposed to be (no one seems to bat an eyelash within the film’s framework either).
This element of the movie is captivating in theory, but the execution is botched with terrible voice over and messy, rushed editing. You don’t buy much of this at all and much of is tests the limits of suspension of disbelief (everyone saw the Robots in the first film, but somehow the government has covered it all up nicely). This near-absurd opening sequence (after a ridiculous brief prologue where cavemen battle ancient Transformers) sets up the movie taking an “Aliens” approach – a dark, bad-ass war movie. (A little while later a satellite Decepticon fires a cougar Decepticon into the ocean and the cougar coughs up a bunch of little bitty Decepticons and it’s all in the same sequence and it’s sort of profound in its delirious overkill.)
But, of course, we have Shia LeBouf to worry about, and this time he’s ready to ship off to college. His wacky parents (played once again by Julie White and Kevin Dunn) are upset that he’s leaving. And his Autobot pal Bumblebee has been relegated to an “E.T.”-like existence, living in the garage. As the Sam storyline starts, a shard of the All-Spark cube falls out of his sweatshirt, burns a hole through his floor, and lands in his kitchen, animating a whole host of appliances, turning them into bug-eyed bots that try and kill him and his family. At this point, it takes on a kind of “Gremlins”-like level of antic physical comedy. With these robot appliances clearly dangerous, blowing up Shia’s household and alerting police, you’d think he’d alert Optimus and not give is GIRLFRIEND Megan Fox this perilous all-spark shard to hold onto, but he does. Because he’s an idiot? Or because Bay thinks you’re an idiot and won’t notice? Jesus fucking Christ, this is a huge gaping hole.
But this too, only holds Bay’s interest for so long, though. And the differences between these two set-ups (the crazy army shit and the crazy comedy shit) showcase one of the crippling problems with “Transformers 2:” it’s tonal inconsistencies. It shifts between these two extremes – huge, life-and-death situations, to the silliest of silliness (there are not one but two shots of Shia’s dogs humping) – with all the subtlety of a giant robot smashing into another giant robot. The tonal shifts weren’t as extreme in the first film (and therefore more palatable), here they’re just disorientating and obnoxious.
You could put the two jive-talking Autobot sidekicks (which have been getting a lot of press) into the “comedy” portion of the movie (you can call them Al and Jolson if you like). And while, yes, they’re terribly offensive and totally unnecessary, they’re only as offensive as the movie’s overt misogyny, which seems to be getting even less press. Not only is Megan Fox paraded around as a semi-clothed porn actress, but there’s an equally sultry coed that turns out to be a Decepticon sleeper agent (like a Cylon) and a trio of female Autobots that are barely mentioned and then killed, brutally, in the final battle.
And this brings us to the movie’s other major issue: it’s pacing. The movie starts strong, for sure, and then it just kind of wallows. There’s far too many humans talking about stuff that really doesn’t matter. Pretty much all the stuff with Shia at college could have been cut without any impact on the movie (first and foremost, Julie White wandering around, high off pot brownies – they should revoke her Tony for the horrible slapstick). About halfway through the movie there’s a breathtaking and beautifully choreographed battle in the woods, which hits all the right notes and actually manages to be halfway emotionally engaging (though Optimus dies and you’re not shocked at all). But then the movie turns into this silly, sub-“National Treasure” chase movie, before picking up again with another prolonged, awe-inspiring battle sequence at the pyramids.
Really, the movie just gets lost in its tangle of plot-threads and ends up making very little sense at all. Basically Bay fails big time with even the most basic elements of storytelling. On a narrative level, “Transformers 2” makes the latter “Matrix” and “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies seem like the paragon of clarity. Thought John Turturro was annoying as the Jewy, bug-eyed special agent? Well, THAT annoying character has been given an even more annoying sidekick (Ramon Rodriguez, Bay must always top himself!).
But maybe thinking about the “plot” is missing the point (or worrying about little geographical issues like entering the Smithsonian and exiting on a vast field of aircraft, surrounded by a mountain range). Bay really does have a knack for huge action set pieces, and his command of the impressively intricate visual effects has been further heightened from the previous film (though even some of the fight sequences are near incomprehensible). If we were ten years old, this would have probably been the end-all, be-all movie of our lives. It’s roughly the equivalent of someone playing in a sandbox with his Transformers toys, smashing into them and making a convoluted reason for the fights to take place. It’s just that, you know, Michael Bay is the little kid and the sandbox is a $200 million studio movie.
It’s not nearly the abysmal fail that most of the Internet is making it out to be (that vitriol should still be focused on “Wolverine” or “Terminator 4”), but it’s not exactly a classic, either. It’s brainless, big ass filmmaking that’s occasionally endearing but more or less ends up being memorable only as a spectacular fucking mess. [C+] – Drew Taylor